“Self-ish-less-ness” – Our Essential Nature
Ordinary Routines to Feel Extraordinarily Good
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Feb. 26, 2020 7 min read
On arrival in Oregon as a freshman international student, I barely spoke the language, did not know a soul, and had little money. A notice at the Student Union said my run-down dorm was closed for another week for repairs.
At that moment, the sweetest angel face appeared with a big, warm smile. “Hi, you must be Tak. I’m Jane, your Host Mother. Come and stay with us for now. My husband and our kids would love to have you.”
Not only did they take me into their home for the week, but they also took me into their hearts for good, even though I left for California a year later.
Every time I visited them back over the past 50 years, I’d step into the old house and announce, “Mom, I’m home.” Jane would hug and call me “my Chinese son” with tears running down her familiar, smiling face.
Jane is almost 98 and lives in an Alzheimer’s residence not far from the old house. As of a couple of years ago, she can no longer recognize me.
I continued to drive 600 miles to visit her once a year or so. Finally, COVID19 put an end to it. On my last long drive back home, it became clear to me why I still wanted to do it.
I did it to make myself feel good. Pure and simple. That was not self-ish-ness, just basic human nature.
When Jane’s mental faculties started to decline 5 or 6 years ago, she had a tough time adjusting after 90 years of vibrant and independent living. At first, they had to place her in a facility far from her hometown. She became miserable and unmanageable.
As a physician, I was in a favorable position to help. I went back and forth, working with everyone involved to get Jane settled in her current, much happier care home.
Again, I did it to make myself feel good. Pure and simple. That was not self-less-ness, just basic human nature.
In the final analysis,
everything we do is to make ourselves feel better,
or at least not as bad.
All the rest is mere justification.
In this regard, our psychology is simple. I call it self-ish-less-ness. The term is unimportant. The truth is.
. . .
We are all hardwired to opt for feeling good and shy away from feeling bad. Trying to do good and not be bad is only to serve that purpose. This simplicity spares me from much unnecessary angst.
After doing something right, I merely accept the truth that I did it to feel good about myself. Full stop. The reward is already complete, as guaranteed. I am moving on. And I will do it again.
It is a private affair. There is no pressure of public display, no expectation of acknowledgment, reciprocity, or reward. Frankly, I do not feel I deserve it. If it comes, I shall take it as something extra and a pleasant surprise.
I do not hang my truest and deepest need on something I have no control over and no right to claim.
“When I do good, I feel good.
When I do bad, I feel bad.
That’s my religion.”
Abe Lincoln
Even if we do something that makes us feel bad, we have already weighed other alternatives and considered them even worse.
When we do something that we know is “bad” for ourselves or others, it is because short-term good feelings have overcome our sensibilities. We pay for it later by feeling bad, sometimes disproportionately.
Well-practiced mindfulness will empower us to maximize the good and minimize the bad for ourselves. A couple of quick routines will make it as easy as second nature and reward you daily with feeling doubly good.
Easy Daily Routines
Before falling asleep every night, I think of at least one good thing I have done that day, big or small. In darkness and silence, my internal lie-detector is both accurate and unforgiving. And, if I pass inspection, I get to feel good all over again.
Before I look at the mirror in the morning, I take a second to recall if I had done something worth feeling bad about on the previous day. The as-is reflection in front is impassionate and raw. If the verdict is unkind, I have no defense. I can only redeem myself later that day.
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My brain may have a short memory. My body-mind registers everything as it happens and settles the score in its own time. With this infallible accountant hanging around, my little routines settle the account regularly with small, affordable payments. It is so much easier.
I don’t have enough time to win the Nobel Peace Prize before my private award ceremony tonight. I can send a short email to a distant friend to tell her at least one quality in her that I admire. In this pandemic, I may not get another chance. She won’t take it the wrong way.
I am sure each of us can come up with at least one thing to do every day we can feel good about. It is a natural tendency that requires little effort. We only have to overcome our inhibition. In these difficult times, I find all kinds of latitude. Even my face mask helps in that regard.
These are the toughest of times in generations. No matter what our situations are, there is no shortage of people less fortunate and in greater need. A little kindness goes a long way.
“He who is too busy doing good
finds no time to be good.”
Rabindranath Tagore
The guy in the mirror this morning was gray but still not Dorian Gray. So today, I’ll be sure not to repeat that nasty thing I said to someone yesterday. I won’t be so mindless, now that I have given it some thought as a daily habit.
Sweeping things under the carpet only builds up a lump that will trip you up later. And there is a way to add some padding to your carpet. It may give you a bit more spring to your heels and cushioning for your bump.
In the middle of each day, as you get up to stand, stretch and smile for a few seconds, ask yourself, “So far today, have I done the best with what I’ve got to make me feel better?”
Sitting and Sitting – Sickly as Smoking
https://www.webmd.com/fitness-exercise/ss/slideshow-sitting-health
Metacardio©
Stand and be self-assured.
Stretch and be self-reliant.
Smile and be self-satisfied.
Do this or walk around every 1-2 hours.
Safe your Seat from Sagging.
Spare your Self from Sickness.
Because we are hardwired to do what it takes to feel good and not feel bad, all you need to do is let your true feelings tell you. Small actions become automatic and effortless after a while. It’ll be like adjusting your earbuds, not making a moonshot.
Let It Go Viral
Over the years, more than a dozen people in need—singles and families (not mine)—have stayed in my spare bedroom for days, weeks, and even months. What little inconveniences involved only reinforced the worthiness of it.
That was way before Airbnb. My arrangements were all non-transactional, although handshakes were still permissible then. Later on, I learned that the idea of “paying it forward” was getting popularized.
Whenever people offer a payback, I ask them to make everybody feel even better by paying it forward. Simply do a good thing for another person as soon as the next opportunity arises. In their own ways, big or small, just do it.
We seldom regret doing a good thing, even with some awkwardness. We always regret missing the moment that never comes back.
“Not all of us can do great things.
But we can do small things with great love.”
Mother Teresa
And if people still insist on giving me something in return, I suggest they double the good feelings by paying it forward twice. That way, this vector may go viral, even pandemic.
Easy, manageable, self-selected, and ordinary efforts spread widely over time often bring about extraordinary results.
“To the world you may be one person,
but to one person you may be the world.”
Bill Wilson
A sensible “pandemic” propagated by our natural desire for feeling good is what we all need now. No facial covering can mask it. No social isolation can distance us. No cleansing can wash it off our hands. And no vaccine can immunize us against it.
WRITTEN BY
Tak C. Poon, MD, PharmD, ABHIM, FACC, Preventive Cardiologist, now developer of a non-profit wellness blog and a lifestyle habit-forming app at www.metacardio.org, and confessor of lessons I have learned in life.