Don’t Forget, Forgive
Free The Only Hostage—You
2-Minute Tip Sheet
Let me be clear. Forgiveness does not mean to forget the wrong that has been done—that’s impossible; or to get payback—that’s improbable; or to allow it to repeat—that’s imbecilic. One cannot even wait for cooperation—that’s immmobilizing.
For-giving is not For-getting.
Par-doning is not Con-doning.
Ad-mitting it is over is not Per-mitting it to be done over.
Payback not expected is not Playback expected.Metacardio©
A Personal Story
Before that, a little cultural priming:
“Mommy-ah, I call to say I love you.”
“Jimmy-ah...do you…have a cancer?”Jimmy O. Yang, HongKong-American Comedian
When I was 13, my father, ‘The Emperor’ back then in the old country, decreed that I should abandon my “childish” hope of becoming a doctor, “Me, no money. You, no qualify.” Then I showed him. He wasn’t amused by my disobedient attitude ever since.
For years, we stayed silently angry. One summer, my mother made him visit me in America because she missed me so much. Sulking in our long-held grudges, Father and I spoke even less than ever. Poor Mother was torn in the middle more than ever.
One day, I decided that was nuts, and forgave him unilaterally and unconditionally. Just like that, a miracle happened. My one-sided change of heart somehow changed everything all around, without so many words spoken between us (our old way).
Only the quiet forgiveness in my heart finally cleared the raging flame and smoke in my head. The ceasefire also made any further artillery exchange impossible. Perhaps because Father could sense it, the smoke and distance between us simply vanished.
It finally dawned on me that he wasn’t being mean and selfish back then; he was being realistic and forthright. Doing his best not to drag me down with his own pain and hopelessness, he risked it by firing me up to find my own way. Perhaps he knew me better than I did back then. I’d never know nor bother to find out.
Since that day, Father and I enjoyed a marvelous relationship we had never had until his final day years later. Mother was happier than ever. All toxic emotions vanished overnight. Forgiveness cost us nothing and gave us everything back and more.
Gratitude gives life to your good feelings.
Grievance chokes it. Revenge destroys it.
Forgiveness restores it—'for giving’ back to life.Metacardio©
A Community Story
Many of the 2,000 patients and coworkers in my lifestyle coaching program told me that being unforgiving was another cause for their unhappiness and unhealthiness.
For one thing, they had blamed themselves harshly for failing prior attempts at weight loss. This was despite the statistic that over 2/3 of the entire country was also overweight. The public’s unforgiving stigma added to their pain.
Some of them had also suffered past personal tragedies that left unforgiving toxic feelings in themselves or people close to them. Some even felt unworthy of a happy and healthy life. So, they just ‘let themselves go’. Call it a new form of “ptSd” (past tragedy Stress disturbance).
It only took them a no-cost mindset reset to experience the magic power of unilateral, unconditional forgiveness. They made a Healing Habit of it, like I did.
2-Minute Tip Sheet
Healing Habit of Forgiveness
When people put you down, sometimes it’s because they feel even worse about themselves than about you. You’re just the easier target.
When people do something terrible to you, they may be just doing their best for themselves, or for others, or even for you. Look from a higher viewpoint.
Forgive people who can’t see beyond their own horizons to include you within it. And you must find and define your own.
Forgive for the long game; forget the short-term pain. One who laughs last, lasts.
Anger often feels justified, and perhaps helps you get through the moment. But if you let it linger, it will destroy you inside.
After the first wounding “arrow” is long gone, unforgiveness is the second arrow you shoot yourself in the head afterward. It hurts you worse and tends to stay.
Revenge never heals and always causes more bleeding. It is unending and upending, just opposite to all you need, which is for the wrong not to be redone—by them, or by you.
If you care about the one who has wronged you, and find them more stuck than you are, go over to where they are. It may take the stronger one, you, to start the healing process.
After someone has wronged you, surely you don’t let them keep on hurting you. But isn’t it crazy to keep on hurting yourself with your hurt feelings long after the initial hurt is over?
Waiting for the wrongdoer to come around someday is wishful thinking. Forgiving is the only sure way to free yourself to feel better today. Do it without demanding any conditions from the offender—it’s often useless anyway. Why wait? You don’t need their participation or even permission.
Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily change other people. It changes you. In clearing your heart of toxic emotions, sweetness, and even miracles can then enter.
Stop volunteering to stay as the victim of the offender and start vowing to be the victor over yourself.
Forgiveness,
It gives you the power to free the one hostage—you.
It shifts all the control to one commander—you.
It benefits one person more than anyone else—you.Metacardio©
Healing Habit Road Test
Besides being essential for stress resilience, forgiveness applies directly to health and fitness. And it’s easier to build this healing habit by practicing it in daily living.
When it comes to your body, it can be quite forgiving. The mind is more of a stick in the mud. Get unstuck by correcting and then forgiving yourself. Then, stay clear of the muddy swamp.
1. Coping
Even if the world is unforgiving, you must be forgiving of yourself before you can be healthy and well. Just don’t keep repeating the same mistakes.
It’s okay to forgive yourself for an occasional unreasonable transgression. The power of forgiveness, unlike the damaging effects of a grudge, can heal beyond reason.
2. Eating
When it comes to your healing eating habit, don’t forget that “pardoning is not condoning”. Why keep begging yourself for forgiveness? Just take actions that spare yourself from blame to begin with…at the fridge, for instance. Not giving-in is like “fore-giving” ahead of time.
Seeking forgiveness?
Whatever you are really looking for,
You won’t find it here.Metacardio©
If you’ve over-indulged, repay by an extra 10% reduction in food portions and/or by cutting off sugary drinks for several days until you get back to a zero balance. If you keep “overdrawing”, some debts can become unforgiving. The debit card method (trim now, eat later—already paid for) is “fore-giving”, needing no forgiving.
3. Moving
When it comes to your healing activity habit, don’t forget that “admitting it’s over is not permitting it to be done over again”.
If you couldn’t make, say, 10,000 steps by the end of the day, make up for the shortfall by walking 1,000 extra steps every following day until it’s paid off. If that feels harsh, then you won’t forget not to make shortfalls again. You’ll make long strides instead.
4. Cutting
The body can be so forgiving that even in some cases of extreme obesity (such as weighing twice as much as one should), a drastic option can be Bariatric bowel surgery. After recovery, most of the ill health complications of ‘morbid obesity’ (forgive the clinical term, not mine) do reverse.
This kind of surgery is the very last resort. Before qualifying, all candidates must pass months of wellness coaching programs similar to our Healing Habits. And they must keep practicing the new lifestyle for life. “Forgiving is not forgetting!”
Forgiveness is the most painless
and bloodless kind of surgery
to free you for wellness.Metacardio©
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This ninth stand-alone post is of a series, Healing Habits, based on the successful solutions of some 2000 patients and coworkers in a lifestyle clinical program. 2024
The images are curated from iStock with subscription.
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