How Much Control Do You Have?
More than you think. Less than you want.
Certain uncertainty in life and in health
This piece is the seventh of a number of stand-alone DESTINY postings on how to rise above and beyond the COVID-19 pandemic by shaping up to be healthy, fit, tough and wise. It is based on the author’s multi-decade insights as a cardiologist and the founder in a non-profit lifestyle coaching program completed by thousands of patients and coworkers. All the advice comes from participants’ real-life experiences, state-of-the-art science and diverse time-honored wisdom.
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My son came to visit from afar last Christmas. From the day of arrival and for over two weeks, this exceedingly strong and fit young man was laid up in my hospital, sicker than a dog. With severe abdominal pain and vomiting, he could not eat or drink and lost over 10 pounds. Nobody knew why.
Certainly, from the very beginning I secured him the finest medical care, comparable to the best anywhere in the world, and gathered advice from all over the country from top experts I knew. Still, there was no diagnosis after umpteen tests. And therefore, no treatment except for intravenous fluids to keep him barely alive.
To this day, nobody had any explanation, and not for lack of trying.
Fortunately, he is alright now. For many weeks, despite ample medical resources, this was frightening and frustrating because we had no control over the situation.
We want control because we need certainly. We feel even more so about what matters most to us. Eventually we come to feel that way about all matters, even if they don’t matter that much. We do everything we can to exert control to secure certainty, as a matter of habit.
This unrealistic demand, even if it’s just hope, results in all kinds of stress and ill health. Because real-life experience shows us that most controls are beyond our control, and the only certainty in real life is uncertainty.
Fortunately, many times, by letting go of control we can actually have better command of the matter at hand. Let’s look at this alternate way of seeing and being.
Here’s what we CAN do:
1. Identify what control we do have, and what we don’t.
2. Select what control, and how much of it, we really need or want.
3. Make certain we can count on ourselves to do what it takes given all that.
4. Use uncertainly to give us hope and possibilities beyond ourselves.
“Incredible changes happen in your life when you decide
to take control of what you do have power over
instead of craving control over what you don’t.”Steve Maraboldi
Back to my son’s story. Physical endurance and mental toughness are certainly the hallmarks of his 15-year career. So, after five weeks, he recovered, went home, and soon after resumed full duty. As if nothing had happened.
All of us are still uncertain as to what had happened. It was certainly not COVID. Consensus blames it conveniently on some undetectable virus that’s beyond our control.
Now that he is back in control of his own life, he is certainly nowhere nearby and quite out of my sphere of control, as usual. (And that’s good. What adult would give up control to a parent? Besides, even though he’s not a spy, if he told me what he’s up to, he’d have to silence me.)
“If I was meant to be controlled,
I would have come with a remote.”
Kushandwizdom
Parents yearn for more control over their children for more certainty of what’s happening with them. Kids wish, and they let parents know in no uncertain terms, to have their control let loose or let go.
Good thing both sides don’t get entirely what they want. Take this example based on a true European migrant story a century ago. It is not unlike many families everywhere today.
Mother had little control, and absolutely no understanding, of what her son was up to all day in his head. She was uncertain, but hopeful, of how this odd child might turn out. So, they had a lovely relationship.
Father certainly wanted his son to take over the family tech business, except the boy was no good in school. Constantly frustrated over his loss of control over junior, father was certain the oddball wouldn’t amount to anything.
Sonny certainly had a mind of his own.
“He who cannot obey himself will be commanded.”
Friedrich Nietzsche
This young man was Albert Einstein. Imagine if his parents had total control over him! For certain, we would not have had control of our GPS satellites today. We are still uncertain how far beyond Mars his Relativity Theory will take us.
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Now, let’s come back on earth and see how we can apply all this to our own wellbeing.
. . .
FOCUS
Even though in reality we don’t have full control over everything, we still do quite well in accomplishing many essential things.
The important thing is to know what we can control and use that control effectively.
It is equally important to know what we have NO control over, and go around it rather than be crippled by it. And what a relief it is to NOT get stressed over what’s not in our control?
Total control comes with total responsibility. Are you sure you want that all the time? Want to be Hitler’s parent? Or Einstein’s kid?
We have little certainty, and virtually no control, over how even a simple thought comes to our brain, or how our hormones do the literally millions of complicated things they do inside the body. Yet, they do just fine as long as we don’t deliberately sabotage them too badly. (And we often try, don’t we?)
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None of us can control the past.
All of us can try and control our own future,
starting with the present.
The past is certainly fixed forever.
The future always remains uncertain,
thus granting us limitless potentials.
Why be saddened by set certainties?
Be surprised by unseen possibilities!
Turn worry into wonder.Metacardio©
NUTRITION
We can’t control junk food cravings because of the brain chemistry they induce.
We can control its availability by not buying any. That’s actually easier, not to mention money-saving, in this pandemic lock-down.
We can’t control our down-bringing upbringing where our parents pressed us to clean up our plate because children (now fat) were starving elsewhere.
We can control our portions by using smaller size plates, and saving the 1/4 portion we want to cut BEFORE starting to eat. Again, better in this pandemic.
You can’t control your appetite for, say, the gravy drenched mashed potatoes.
You can exercise the easier control of eating all the veggies on the plate FIRST. After that, see how much you still want to finish all that other stuff.
I assist before I desist, so
what I resist won’t persist.Metacardio©
You certainly can’t refuse that birthday cake served to you with such joy. Yet, you certainly can drink a big glass of water BEFORE you savor a good bite of it —eating slowly and with full appreciation, pleasing everybody. Then thank them and save the rest for “later”.
You’re all by yourself, and you’ve lost all control over the craving for something you know does not serve you well. Try this. After your first bite, drink plenty of water, then do at least a few cycles of your breathing exercise. Even though your body can’t control what you do next, by then it’ll certainly have informed you (softy) what serves you best.
ACTIVITY
You can’t control when your gym is going to reopen in this pandemic.
You can control your home furniture placements so you can do some workout during long screen-time sessions.
We are uncertain when it’ll be safe to ride elevators or public transportation again. We are certain the staircases are free, and the open-air roadways are safe and good for walking.
You really can’t control your body weight even though you’re not the worst dieter.
You can control your limb movements, which are your best calorie burners.
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Fit and fat can be healthier
than slim and slack.
HEALTH MATTERS
We are certain we’re born with our genes from birth and we have no control over that. From a recent medical discovery called Epi-genetics, we’ve learned that on our DNA there are controllable on/off switches.
The control is in the hands of healthy habits. They can throw the switches off the bad genes and switch on the good ones.
While we’re still uncertain how perfectly Epigenetics work every time, we are certain that healthy habits can make our new selves even better than what our genes would have dictated.
We can now alter our genes, just as we can alter our jeans. Even if we choose to put in only one stitch at a time.
Even genetically,
We are no longer just born to be good or bad.
We can now bring ourselves to become better.
Metacardio©
TAKEAWAYS
W
hile you’re re-ascertaining your controls before next week’s posting, listen to a free preview of this light as air podcast. Enjoy, all at once or, better yet, one day at a time (2-3 min).
Good Night (Air)
Doc Tak
9/23/2020
WRITTEN BY
Tak C. Poon, MD, PharmD, ABHIM, FACC
Board-certified American Preventive Cardiologist now developer of a wellness blog and a lifestyle habit-forming app.
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